Unwanted conditioning
Jul. 20th, 2014 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
same_differenceNot something I would usually choose to write about, but with Rachael away I need to get it out of my head so I can sleep.
It's finally clicked that I've effectively been conditioned to feel insulted whenever a certain person utters one of a small set of phrases, or uses a particular tone of voice. Conditioning that also encourages my natural quiet state in group conversations, because to make comment is to provide opportunity to contradict or undermine my opinions. The conditioning has taken years of low level bullying through passive aggressive behaviour, and body language combined with physical positioning designed to make me feel outside and not included (say hello teenage mental hangups, haven't see you in a while). Conditioned so that I know I have been insulted, delivered in a way that no one else should have any reason to register anything has happened, unless they have an understanding of the situation. Always delivered in social situations as that's where the only chance of real interactions has been in the last few years, but also as it limits any opportunity for confrontation without disrupting the situation or unfairly ruining the mood for anyone else.
I've gone back and forth on how intentional it is, but that doesn't change the nature of the beast, nor does the intention really matter. It's born out of dislike, and has once crossed lines that mean if there was an opportunity for reconciliation I wouldn't be able to take it. It's out of my control, beyond just minimising contact, so I continue to work on Zen acceptance of it such as I can. Remembering the Serenity Prayer* to help me reclaim inner peace, and to let the passage of time heal the sting of the insult. Remembering that good friends and the good will they have far out ways this one insignificant view of an irrelevant petty person.
But I have been insulted during a gathering of friends, conditioned to hear the insult where no one else would, I feel it's sting and I do not want it.
But I was able to both get necessary things done and spend the majority of the day surrounded by friends, and really that's the bit that matters.
*Maybe the only useful thing I took out of primary and secondary Roman Catholic religious education, and it was simply on a poster on a wall.
It's finally clicked that I've effectively been conditioned to feel insulted whenever a certain person utters one of a small set of phrases, or uses a particular tone of voice. Conditioning that also encourages my natural quiet state in group conversations, because to make comment is to provide opportunity to contradict or undermine my opinions. The conditioning has taken years of low level bullying through passive aggressive behaviour, and body language combined with physical positioning designed to make me feel outside and not included (say hello teenage mental hangups, haven't see you in a while). Conditioned so that I know I have been insulted, delivered in a way that no one else should have any reason to register anything has happened, unless they have an understanding of the situation. Always delivered in social situations as that's where the only chance of real interactions has been in the last few years, but also as it limits any opportunity for confrontation without disrupting the situation or unfairly ruining the mood for anyone else.
I've gone back and forth on how intentional it is, but that doesn't change the nature of the beast, nor does the intention really matter. It's born out of dislike, and has once crossed lines that mean if there was an opportunity for reconciliation I wouldn't be able to take it. It's out of my control, beyond just minimising contact, so I continue to work on Zen acceptance of it such as I can. Remembering the Serenity Prayer* to help me reclaim inner peace, and to let the passage of time heal the sting of the insult. Remembering that good friends and the good will they have far out ways this one insignificant view of an irrelevant petty person.
But I have been insulted during a gathering of friends, conditioned to hear the insult where no one else would, I feel it's sting and I do not want it.
But I was able to both get necessary things done and spend the majority of the day surrounded by friends, and really that's the bit that matters.
*Maybe the only useful thing I took out of primary and secondary Roman Catholic religious education, and it was simply on a poster on a wall.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-07-20 09:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-20 11:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-20 10:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-20 11:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 01:01 am (UTC)For what it's worth, I believe your friends care enough about your happiness and wellbeing that they would prefer to have a bit of disruption once, where you can tell this person that their behaviour is unacceptable, than keep going with you being unhappy and feeling powerless about it.
DEAR MAN can be a really useful technique for when you need to tell someone difficult things or assert your needs. By sticking rigorously to the pattern it gives, you can stop an argument from happening by not giving other people's hostility any traction.