London part 2
Jul. 30th, 2011 10:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
same_differenceOk well the first thing to say really is that considered my standard fairly easy going nature, this is pretty damn negative for me. The reasons for my being negative aren't unreasonable in themselves (I hope), but knowing myself there's more to it than just those.
The first big thing about me that affects my reaction is that I don't like change. Really really don't like change, I've got better about it over time, but sudden change out of my control really leaves me off kilter. Partly it's a control thing, if I can get a handle on a situation, a position of strength with which to deal with I'm fine. Obviously the thing with change is that's generally what you don't get to have. The second thing is I can't stand the act of travelling. Now I particularly dislike having to use public transport partly because it involves relying on something unreliable, and partly I just don't tend to find it to be a pleasant experience. Still even if it doesn't involve public transport, the thought of having to make any major or unfamiliar journey always puts me in a poor mood for a couple of days before hand. If I didn't know myself I'd often end up just not going places, but knowing what I'm like, I just accept it as part of the experience of travelling for me.
The next thing that then compounds this is that I'm really unsatisfied with my job lately. Not the work, the work in all fairness has generally been pretty good, and in fact if it wasn't for the location (Basingstoke - not that I was even there for as long as I might have been) I'd have been more than happy to keep working for the last company. Even my current employer appears to be a very pleasant place to work, and one I would be perfectly happy to be employed by if I wished to live and work in London. I just don't think I'm the right sort of person to be a contractor; it's one of the obvious career routes considering the industry I work in, but it's not for me. The thing is my job always carried a risk of it basically being that (just one where you don't get the money or the choice, but you do get paid when the work isn't forthcoming), and to date I've been generally on the lucky side with the way things have worked out. It's just it's becoming more and more that sort of contracting job as time passes. Coupled with other factors I see in the direction the company is taken and the decisions it has made recently (things I won't talk about in an open post), and well it's unsurprising that anything work is making me do I dislike is going to be reacted against more strongly than it might have been. Not helped by the fact that the obvious solution involves that self same uncertain change that I dislike so much.
As for why I dislike big cities so much (and by big I mean somewhat between Bath and Bristol in size and up from there) well as I'm currently in one I've been trying to understand my dislike. The first obvious thing is that I find the presence of large numbers of people just wearing. And of course the collective behaviours that emerge with large number people trying to travel somewhere quickly (whether by car, foot or other means) is particularly so. By definition the larger the city, the larger the number of people and conversely the fewer places to escape. Then take the fact that I tend to encounter big cities, while burdened with bags and so I'm forced to move slower than I prefer and find myself at the mercy of the flow of people, where as normally I move and weave maximizing my velocity while finding my way through the easiest clearest path (and more people make the chances of being stuck behind someone moving slower than yourself all the more likely). Lastly it's simply smoking, a fairly sizeable percentage of people smoke, the more people you are the more smokers you will encounter, and couple with the previous point the more likely you are to get trapped within their zone of smelly toxicity.
Thursday edit: Not having to lug my suitcase on the tube today made a massive difference. Being able to move faster, be more comfortable on the tube, and generally weave through the flow of people as I needed made a big improvement.
Fridays edit: Standing outside Bath Spa station waiting to be very kindly collected by my Mum (Rachael is out this evening) it suddenly dawned on me that I felt relaxed for the first time since last Friday morning before I heard about this project. There's just something about big cities that leaves me constantly on edge. So constant a feeling it's only remarkable by it's eventual absence.
All in all unfortunately understanding things better doesn't make my mood any better. Thankfully my friends seem to be coming up with just the sort of excellent news that cheers me up regardless.
The first big thing about me that affects my reaction is that I don't like change. Really really don't like change, I've got better about it over time, but sudden change out of my control really leaves me off kilter. Partly it's a control thing, if I can get a handle on a situation, a position of strength with which to deal with I'm fine. Obviously the thing with change is that's generally what you don't get to have. The second thing is I can't stand the act of travelling. Now I particularly dislike having to use public transport partly because it involves relying on something unreliable, and partly I just don't tend to find it to be a pleasant experience. Still even if it doesn't involve public transport, the thought of having to make any major or unfamiliar journey always puts me in a poor mood for a couple of days before hand. If I didn't know myself I'd often end up just not going places, but knowing what I'm like, I just accept it as part of the experience of travelling for me.
The next thing that then compounds this is that I'm really unsatisfied with my job lately. Not the work, the work in all fairness has generally been pretty good, and in fact if it wasn't for the location (Basingstoke - not that I was even there for as long as I might have been) I'd have been more than happy to keep working for the last company. Even my current employer appears to be a very pleasant place to work, and one I would be perfectly happy to be employed by if I wished to live and work in London. I just don't think I'm the right sort of person to be a contractor; it's one of the obvious career routes considering the industry I work in, but it's not for me. The thing is my job always carried a risk of it basically being that (just one where you don't get the money or the choice, but you do get paid when the work isn't forthcoming), and to date I've been generally on the lucky side with the way things have worked out. It's just it's becoming more and more that sort of contracting job as time passes. Coupled with other factors I see in the direction the company is taken and the decisions it has made recently (things I won't talk about in an open post), and well it's unsurprising that anything work is making me do I dislike is going to be reacted against more strongly than it might have been. Not helped by the fact that the obvious solution involves that self same uncertain change that I dislike so much.
As for why I dislike big cities so much (and by big I mean somewhat between Bath and Bristol in size and up from there) well as I'm currently in one I've been trying to understand my dislike. The first obvious thing is that I find the presence of large numbers of people just wearing. And of course the collective behaviours that emerge with large number people trying to travel somewhere quickly (whether by car, foot or other means) is particularly so. By definition the larger the city, the larger the number of people and conversely the fewer places to escape. Then take the fact that I tend to encounter big cities, while burdened with bags and so I'm forced to move slower than I prefer and find myself at the mercy of the flow of people, where as normally I move and weave maximizing my velocity while finding my way through the easiest clearest path (and more people make the chances of being stuck behind someone moving slower than yourself all the more likely). Lastly it's simply smoking, a fairly sizeable percentage of people smoke, the more people you are the more smokers you will encounter, and couple with the previous point the more likely you are to get trapped within their zone of smelly toxicity.
Thursday edit: Not having to lug my suitcase on the tube today made a massive difference. Being able to move faster, be more comfortable on the tube, and generally weave through the flow of people as I needed made a big improvement.
Fridays edit: Standing outside Bath Spa station waiting to be very kindly collected by my Mum (Rachael is out this evening) it suddenly dawned on me that I felt relaxed for the first time since last Friday morning before I heard about this project. There's just something about big cities that leaves me constantly on edge. So constant a feeling it's only remarkable by it's eventual absence.
All in all unfortunately understanding things better doesn't make my mood any better. Thankfully my friends seem to be coming up with just the sort of excellent news that cheers me up regardless.
