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same_differenceNow before I started a wrote a fairly unhappy post about my feelings on the matter. Of course a DDoS attacks later, and well I've not exactly been able to post it (nor would anyone else have been able to read it). So rather than just post it a few days late I'll include it below a cut, and see where I am now (or in fact where I was when I wrote it on Wednesday), and work out where my feelings on the matter originate.
So starting tomorrow for 15 (but possibly up to 18) days I'm going to be working on a project for a bank based in central London (Bank station). So I've got to be there for 9am tomorrow, which means catching a train at 6:43 am, about an hour before I normally wake up during the week. It's some sort of test script design work (they've not been to clear on the details) using Microsoft Visual Studio Team System which I've not used before, but I do have a reasonable amount of general experience with this sort of work. From the sound of it it's probably going to be a pretty high pressure project considering the relatively short time scale.
Now as much as I'm pretty nervous about it, I do know I work much better under pressure and I keep proving to myself that I'm quick at picking up new things (even if do doubt myself each time before I have to do so). Right now though and for most of the weekend this has left me massively stressed out. I've spent all of the weekend and today with a gut ache which is my bodies number one hint that I'm stressed. From how bad I feel, and all the related dreams I've had, I must be pretty damn stressed indeed.
Now work have sorted out the Hotel bookings (unlike with Basingstoke) and I've got all the journey's planned out all the tickets bought (except an oyster card, I'll make do with a travel card for tomorrow). Hotel wise I'll be staying in here for tomorrow and there for the rest of the this week and next week where ever work book when we get there. The reviews for these places are mixed, especially for the seconds annex, but they are actually booked at least (so it could have been worse). Plus there between (and quite close to) Earl's Court and Gloucester Street stations so getting from them to other places in London shouldn't be too hard.
Then there's the fact I really dislike being in London. I don't enjoy being in big cities I find the scale of the cities and sheer weight (and collective smell) of the people unpleasant and tiring. Plus tomorrow will be my first time dealing with the tube during rush hour. Having said all that I've been on a tube before and I know where I'm going so I should cope. Also I do at least get to hideaway in a hotel in the evenings, and at least get a semblance of escape from all the people.
Still that would be enough to make somewhat nervous and therefore stressed about this, but I think what's really pushed this over the top is the fact that the only other staff member from my employee I know currently working there, is Perdita my ex-girlfriend. Now that relationship came to an end nearly four years ago now, and while we did keep the friendship going for a little while (after a suitable amount of time and space and mostly via email), it was the way she behaved to end it that's going to make things instead of being potentially mildly awkward at worst to possibly downright uncomfortable. To give some background when we dated she had suffered from real social anxiety issues and it still affected her behaviour and made her very shy. While I helped her get better, she was also using me as a crutch during social situations. One of things that ended the relationship was that she found she couldn't stop using me as a crutch when I was around, and ultimately her reliance on me when I was around meant I was effectively (passively) holding her back. So after the break up while we were making an effort friends we could only meet up alone and never with other people. This was partly because of the way she'd revert and partly because of her need to control social situations around her; a hang up left over from her previous issues. Right enough context.
So instead of letting the friendship die naturally she decided one day that we shouldn't meet up any more (which was fair enough not that we had met up all that much anyway), but also that should we end up working together we should avoid talking socially and not talk about the things she wouldn't normally talk to a colleague about (i.e. any details about ourselves). The understanding I came away with was to effectively act as if we didn't know each other. See for her at the time that might be how she dealt with people at work, but I'm used to somewhat chattier working relationships with people; now you don't tell your colleagues everything, but you do tend to find out about their family, etc, just from the way people discuss their weekends and things. Now my memory of the tone is different to rereading the comment now (the joy of gmail endlessly storing emails), but it's the not knowing what sort of reception I'm going to get when I'm there nor how much this is going to affect the atmosphere, and all the uncertainty about it that is making the whole having to face an already high pressure situation all the more stressful.
All that aside I'm going to be in London, regardless of my desire not to be, so I might as well make the most of it. So other than trying to meet up with my brother, and possibly try and catch one of his stand up gigs live, is there anyone in the London area that feels like meeting up. Or any recommendation of places to eat or things to do in the evenings I'm there?
End of Part 1 as this entry is otherwise too big for the not quite recovered LJ.
