same_difference | Oct. 19th, 2006

The sadness comes in waves, sometimes worse than others, but being with friends or family seems to relieve it at least for a time. It is of course exactly how I expect it to be, but still can be a distracting at times. I feel a bit empty inside, a certain loneliness that went away when I was with P. It was how I felt I missed her when she was away; the presence of that almost tangible gap within me. It's something that I remember as being ever present from before the two of us met, something I always struggled with at the time. It always seemed to distance me from the fun I was having. Now though I am a different person from how I was then, and a lot of the doubts and fears that came with that emptiness were long ago put to rest. I'm not sure how I'll deal with it yet, it seems at the heart of the feelings of loss and so is that much more intense. Still I know that once I have come through this process of grief it will not bother me as it once did.

I read through the first year of my LJ, I was working on a promise I had made from before the break up to anonymise references within my LJ, as I couldn't focus on work. While on some level I expected it to sadden me, it cheered me up. I started this only shortly before I met P, and aside from remembering somethings I forgot*, I realised that I have this wonderfully detailed description of the amazing relationship I had, surrounding by the context of who I was at the time. That record is something I can truly treasure, because I can look back at all the joy and wonder whenever I wish.

It is one thing to know you were happy, and another to read how happy you were. It's one thing to know how you've grown, and another to see the differences in how you have reacted to events in your past. Lastly it's a way to revisit those things that were hard in your life, and understand how you are past them, and they can do you no harm. I recommend you read back through your LJ, at least some of it, at some point in time. I know in the future I'll look back at my thoughts of this time and smile about how I moved on.

At the moment I find myself singing (tunelessly as always) to myself, something I've only ever done when I feel honestly happy with who and where I am.

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